Grace

Today's post is due to a conversation I had with my mother a couple of days ago. It also serves as a reflection on the past three months. Its seems like just yesterday, I started blogging to tell people about this amazing journey we were starting. Now, we are halfway through, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It hasn't been easy, although we have been luckier than most. There have been tears shed (both happy and sad), battles fought, and fear.
Surrogacy is not something that you can just decide to do. It takes a very special relationship, and a certain type of person to offer to have your baby. It also takes up your life. I mean, it's fine because having a child take up your life as well, but IVF, surrogacy? That spins your world upside down, throws you around for a while, and then you find yourself asking, how did we get here? This isn't a complaint, it's not even a grumble, because, as I said, we are luckier than most. People try for years before they realize they can't have children. People search for a surrogate, we had someone volunteer. Our journey is an exception, and to anyone who has rocks, or pitfalls, or is still waiting, keep pushing forward, it gets better.
However, luck, and easy are two different things. Over the past three months I have spent countless hours emailing, calling, texting, meeting, researching, and writing to make this happen. My mom pointed out that I process things i.e. stress by taking control, and that's what I have been doing. Currently, I am a teacher (full time), going to school for my masters (full time), sponsoring a club, a wife, fur parent to some very energetic pooches, a daughter, a friend, and now patient.
I love all the hats I have to wear, but it is not easy to have all of these plates spinning at once. There have been many times over the past months where I have thought, why I am not better at this, or that I am a bad insert role here, etc... It's not because I don't love the people in my life, and it's not because I want to be selfish. It's just something that happens. This stuff, it can consume you, I spent part of my Friday night watching videos on IVF injections (I know you are all super jealous).
As my mother put it, "No one knows what it is like unless you are in it." That is so true, all the support and love is amazing, but I cannot articulate how it feels to wait for the next round of tests. To get bad results, to be angry at your husband because he is a guy and just doesn't get it, to jump every time you see a certain number on the phone, because these are the people who will give you your baby. Then there is the feeling of helplessness, the loss of control, which I do not give up easily. Knowing that you can't control when the doctor's will call, when you'll have an appointment, what your body will do, and putting life on hold for that. It can be isolating. The worst is when people don't get that, people that you are close with saying, "Well, why can't you do this, it's on the weekend after all?" I know it's on the weekend, but sometimes you have to see the doctors on Saturday, and maybe the lawyer could meet with us. It's like living in a hold pattern all the time, circling. It sucks. Then again, it's great because you know the end result is amazing. So it's this stupid f***ing double-faced demon that you love and hate all at the same time.
To all of you that are going through this, or really just anyone. Find balance, it will be your sanity. The best memories I have of this time are of the positive news I have received, and being able to share that with the people I care about. Go on dates with your spouse, keep the romance fresh (trust me on this one), try new things, put yourself out there, and don't be afraid to let loose. Talk to people, even if they haven't experienced it, they love you, and they want to listen. Go out on girls nights, boys nights, make sure you keep up your hobbies and take time for you. Don't let the monster get the best of you, because it's there, but you can control it.
For example, last weekend we went to a 80's themed party, it was a blast, and not once did my little demon come out to play. Tonight I'm going to celebrate two girlfriends' birthdays, and if our future child does come up, I'm going to focus on the positive, and then move on. Yes, my plans may be last minute now, and I may break a date once in a while, but you still have to have a life while you are making another one.
Finally, I will leave you with this closing thought. Don't go to bed angry, and leave room for grace. It does not help me to get mad at my husband, or shut down when he doesn't react the same way, or get what I am saying. He is only human, we both are, and we live in an imperfect world. B is not doing any of this to hurt me, or because he doesn't want a baby, he just has a different lens that he uses when he views the situation. Also, allow yourself some grace as well, find your balance and realize you aren't perfect, but neither is life. So find your balance, and embrace the times when life is crazy, because you'll get some great stories, and if you are going through times like this, you'll get an even greater reward at the end. I can't believe I'm using this quote (no judging), but to summarize...

"I'm not perfect, and who knows how many times I've fallen short. We all fall short. That's the amazing thing about the grace of God."

-Tim Tebow