Fear Factor Episode 1

In discussing what comes next with B, we know it will be part waiting, part stress, part excitement, and part fear. So we've decided to dedicate our next (however many) blog posts to that last element, fear. B and I will each be posting our specific fears related to adoption. It is our hope that with these insights to our own fears, future adoptive couples won't feel so alone during the process. Although you are supported during your decision and many other steps towards adoption, it can at times be lonely. 

This brings us to episode one of our fear factors, which will be narrated by, yours truly. I should preface that these fears are common with most adoptive parents. 

So, what is my deep dark fear? I have several. As a constant worrier, it's part of my natural state to be worried. One of the lurking fears in the back of my mind is rejection. Not in the sense that we will not get into an agency, or that we won't be picked (although, that is there), but in the sense that, we will get so close, and then lose it all again. I'm talking about failed adoption, which happens in about twenty percent of all adoptions. I'm sorry, what? One in five, twenty out of a hundred chance of us getting close and then having our dream ripped away. B and I are no strangers to disappointment. But with our luck, you can't help but feel that you are being set up for failure. 

Although, I know a child will be in our future, I can't help but be afraid of the path that will get us there. I keep seeing us, getting the call that we have been matched, then learning it's a boy or girl, and getting the call that the baby has been born. Only to find out three or ten days later that the car seat we bought will go unused, the nursery will be vacant, we will be well rested, and we will have to wait all over again. 

B and I have dealt with a lot and fear has been a pretty frequent guest in our house. Between open-heart surgeries, hospitalizations, and failed surrogacy attempts, we are no strangers to fear or pain. I can honestly say that our surrogacy arrangement falling through was one of the most painful things I have ever been through. There are moments when it catches me off guard, knowing when we would have heard our babies heartbeat, our due date, gender reveal, there are constant reminders of what we have lost. Going through a failed adoption, would be just like that again, only worse. This time, there could be tangible reminders of what we lost. The milestones that we will lose are hearing that child say Momma and Dadda for the first time. We will lose seeing that child roll over, crawl, walk, and talk. And the time that passes will only serve as a reminder of the emptiness of the third room in our house. Although the right child for our family will form those memories, the pain we could feel on our way to make those memories is real. 

So in summary, I am terrified. I am scared to hope, and I'm scared to despair. I'm scared to want, and I'm scared to dream or plan, to get so close again, to only have it ripped away. I don't know if anyone reading this has ever had a burning desire that wasn't granted, or a pure joy in life that was taken away, but it sucks, and one of my biggest fears is having that happen more than once in my life time. 

I normally try and end these on a positive note, but this fear is too new, to familiar for me to find the silver lining just yet. I do know that I can hold on to the wisp of hope that comes with the fact that I know all adoptions end in a baby, that my marriage, and my partner and I are strong enough to make it through all storms to get the rainbow.