Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's our link, so follow us maybe?

Quick and to the point.

In an effort to mainstream our info and declutter the newsfeed, B and I created a page for you to follow our adoption happenings. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Growing-in-our-Hearts-Our-Adoption-Journey/292185277633091. 

If social media doesn't suit your fancy, you can sign up to get notifications via email. Just type your email in the box under the title Follow Us By Email section on the right (it's the bottom one).

This should help everyone stay up to date that wishes to, and it allows those that don't want to be bombarded by information to get away from it!

That's all folks!

Fear Factor Episode 1

In discussing what comes next with B, we know it will be part waiting, part stress, part excitement, and part fear. So we've decided to dedicate our next (however many) blog posts to that last element, fear. B and I will each be posting our specific fears related to adoption. It is our hope that with these insights to our own fears, future adoptive couples won't feel so alone during the process. Although you are supported during your decision and many other steps towards adoption, it can at times be lonely. 

This brings us to episode one of our fear factors, which will be narrated by, yours truly. I should preface that these fears are common with most adoptive parents. 

So, what is my deep dark fear? I have several. As a constant worrier, it's part of my natural state to be worried. One of the lurking fears in the back of my mind is rejection. Not in the sense that we will not get into an agency, or that we won't be picked (although, that is there), but in the sense that, we will get so close, and then lose it all again. I'm talking about failed adoption, which happens in about twenty percent of all adoptions. I'm sorry, what? One in five, twenty out of a hundred chance of us getting close and then having our dream ripped away. B and I are no strangers to disappointment. But with our luck, you can't help but feel that you are being set up for failure. 

Although, I know a child will be in our future, I can't help but be afraid of the path that will get us there. I keep seeing us, getting the call that we have been matched, then learning it's a boy or girl, and getting the call that the baby has been born. Only to find out three or ten days later that the car seat we bought will go unused, the nursery will be vacant, we will be well rested, and we will have to wait all over again. 

B and I have dealt with a lot and fear has been a pretty frequent guest in our house. Between open-heart surgeries, hospitalizations, and failed surrogacy attempts, we are no strangers to fear or pain. I can honestly say that our surrogacy arrangement falling through was one of the most painful things I have ever been through. There are moments when it catches me off guard, knowing when we would have heard our babies heartbeat, our due date, gender reveal, there are constant reminders of what we have lost. Going through a failed adoption, would be just like that again, only worse. This time, there could be tangible reminders of what we lost. The milestones that we will lose are hearing that child say Momma and Dadda for the first time. We will lose seeing that child roll over, crawl, walk, and talk. And the time that passes will only serve as a reminder of the emptiness of the third room in our house. Although the right child for our family will form those memories, the pain we could feel on our way to make those memories is real. 

So in summary, I am terrified. I am scared to hope, and I'm scared to despair. I'm scared to want, and I'm scared to dream or plan, to get so close again, to only have it ripped away. I don't know if anyone reading this has ever had a burning desire that wasn't granted, or a pure joy in life that was taken away, but it sucks, and one of my biggest fears is having that happen more than once in my life time. 

I normally try and end these on a positive note, but this fear is too new, to familiar for me to find the silver lining just yet. I do know that I can hold on to the wisp of hope that comes with the fact that I know all adoptions end in a baby, that my marriage, and my partner and I are strong enough to make it through all storms to get the rainbow. 

All About the Benjamins!

Step One: Find an Agency! Check. Step two through bring baby home, are up next! The next major obstacle is to save enough money to fund this adoption, and still keep a roof over our heads. This is a double-edged sword. First, when we have the home study, we have to be able to pay for it, but as part of the home study, they do a financial check. So we can't drain all of our bank accounts, paying for the study to look at our bank accounts (it's like adoption inception). Then after we pay for the home study, we have to pay the program fee. Then we will enter the pool of adoptive parents. This is where it gets tricky; we could take a risk and start the process now, and bank on waiting the full amount of time. However, once you get a baby you have ten days to pay the placement fee, which is the most expensive part of adoption. In other words, if we start the process now, even though you pay in installments, we would still need the full amount by the time our names went in the pool, just to be safe. With our luck, we would get a baby really quickly, and then not have money to allow the adoption to go through. What exactly are we looking at here?

27,000ish dollars to bring Baby S home.

Here is a brief breakdown:

250- application fee

2,250- home study fee

7,500- program fee

17,250- placement fee

2,000ish- legal fees

From a money standpoint, that's about what we would pay to get as far as we were with the surrogate (IE before transfer, and IVF cycle) so it's better in the sense that we know that we will get a baby at the end of it. It's not so good because we have loans and debt (just like everyone else).

Until we can make these more manageable (aka pay some off) we have to hold off on starting the process. If we were denied application or "failed" the home study due to debt or finances we would have a very hard time ever adopting. It's OK though, we have Planner Patty on our team (me)! I've drawn up a budget, and with the help of some raises, and good savings, we should be able to start the process in January of 2016. Way far away I know, but we are doing everything we can to get there sooner, and bring our baby home!

In order to put some extra money in the bank, as well as pay down some of our loans, we are trying everything we can. B suggested doing an adoption ice bucket challenge, but we are putting that on the back burner for now. We still have a fundraising page (linked on the blog), but are not really doing anything with it, although we switched sites. The more proactive things we have done are picking up second and third jobs (mainly me). I'm now a consultant for a direct sales company (Jamberry Nails- lvalentine.jamberrynails.net), and every penny I make is going towards adoption, with the added bonus of awesome looking nails! I'm coaching, now both in the fall and spring, and finally I'm co-chairing student government at my school. B is trying to sell some items to get more cash, and is hoping to strike it big bowling (see what I did there?). We know that our hard work will be rewarded, and it will be the best reward of all when we take that squishy little nugget of cuteness home.

Neither of us would be doing these things if we didn't think it would work. Our motto for now is "Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe." We are believing, and determined to bring home a baby! Keep on Keepin' On!

Supply and Demand

This post will be short, since I've already written one for the week. If you recall in my last post, I stated that we had one more agency to check out. Well, we had been playing phone tag with them for a while, and I finally got in touch with them this week. Bad news friends, they are not accepting families. Apparently there is a decline in birth mothers in the state of IL, and, as such, agency #4 wants to keep the supply and demand at a realistic, even level. Because of that, we tried a fifth agency that my family has used, and they too are only taking the most qualified applicants. We left our information with them to see if we would qualify, and we will find out via mail if we are allowed to apply. Needless to say, we aren't holding much hope considering how I called them about three weeks ago, and our mailbox is empty. Strike out for us on agencies #4 and #5. With that being said, we are pleased to announce our agency!!! Saint Mary's Services of Arlington Heights aka Agency #3. We are so thrilled to be working with such an amazing agency, and look forward to the next steps of the process. One step closer to Baby S! Next step? Makin' those Benjamins!

Third time is the charm?

Alright, time for our rundown of Agency C. The day we went to learn about Agency C, I was pretty pumped. Not only was it located where my grandparents used to live, but I heard tons of awesome reviews from other people who have used them in the past. I'm a big believer in signs, and the fact that my grandparents’ old condo was minutes away from the Agency was a very good sign. I was also happy to see that this meeting was another PowerPoint filled lecture, but rather a one-on-one sit down with two social workers for us go get to know them and vice versa. I'm still a little awkward, but at least I wouldn't feel intimidated by other people at this meeting. 

The meeting itself took about an hour, and B and I got to ask some of our burning questions, face to face. It was awesome; we were able to form a connection with agency workers that we just didn't get at any of the other places. The biggest plus was the individualized attention we would be getting from this agency. Since they are smaller, they really work almost one on one with adoptive parents (huge plus people). The downside is the wait time, which is up to three years, but that does give B and I time to get ourselves in order while going through the process. The best part about the agency was that it focused on us. Again, birth parents are the key to adoption, but adoptive parents are going to be raising the child that is given to them, so we are important to. Agency C made us feel like we were just as important in the process as the birth parents, and that our fears and needs were just as valid as everyone else's. 

We also got the most information from Agency C. We got what I feel is the equivalent of a textbook of papers to look over. In the papers is a form for fingerprinting, background checks, and preference papers, which we will be discussing in future posts, and really bring out some interesting conversations. Those conversations and papers were so helpful though, it gave us a chance to understand the process deeper, and understand our hopes and ourselves more completely. 

It may sound trivial, but looking for agencies is a lot like looking for a college, you have to know which one fits you. I don't know about any of you, but when I found my college, I had a gut feeling that it was where I was meant to be. I had that at Agency C, we still have one more agency to look at though, so I'm not calling it quits just yet, but there is hope! Stay tuned for our fourth and final agency visit. 

Icarus

I debated writing this post, so hopefully I do the feelings in it justice, without hurting or offending anyone. Since our surrogacy road has ended, I have been to one baby shower, seen one new baby, and been to a first birthday. It was hard, because originally I was supposed to be next for those things. I was still thrilled to see all of my friends and their children have those moments, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. After I had been to all of those celebrations, I felt that I could handle anything. Wrong. This past weekend B and I went to a wedding for my cousin. I have a large extended family, which I love, and we are very involved in each others lives. However, some of them were unaware that our surrogacy arrangement was over, so there were times where I had to recount the tale, which sucks. The last thing you want to do when you're trying to forget something is to relive it. Over the course of the weekend, children were brought up several times. Whether it was someone discussing their efforts to start a family, or someone asking me when we were going to start a family, or simply someone asking if my mom was dying to be a grandma. Normally, those things wouldn't bother me, but they stung a little this time around, because I don't have the answers. Adoption is a long process, and can be draining emotionally and financially. B and I are already doing what we can to get extra money (more on that later), but we can't tell people when a child will enter our lives, or how many we will have. The questions weren't meant to hurt, but it still provided an extra layer of emotion to the weekend. 

*Side note about the wedding, which was the whole reason we were there. The wedding was amazing. Seriously, I couldn't imagine seeing two people more in love, it was precious and heart warming. Right from the second her dad gave her away until the last dance of the evening, my cousin and her new husband, were so perfectly true to who they are and their love. It was certainly an experience to cherish. *

The day after the wedding was hard for me. It was my birthday, and my family being my family had a birthday party on the beach for wedding guests as well as other family members and me. Normally being a year older doesn't freak me out, but it did this year. The reason it was so hard was because less than three months ago, I was planning on how I was going to tell my whole family that our transfer had worked, and that we were going to have a baby. It was a pretty awesome plan, and it also involved my mom finding out our news for the first time as well. Instead I found myself surrogateless, planless, and babyless. Last year was a tough year for me, mainly because I had told everyone that it was going to be my year, and it wasn't. I want to say the same about this year, but how can I after everything that has happened? So I stood on the beach and realized just how small I am in comparison to everything else. I though of all the things I had lost, and once again cursed the unfairness of everything. My birthday this year, was supposed to be the culminating moment, a chance for me to see karmic retribution or whatever for all the struggles I have faced in my life. I was hurting, am hurting, because I had fallen in love with the hypothetical surrogate baby, and now I'm a year older, and have gotten so close, but am now even further away. 

It's like that old mythology tale, where Icarus flies to close to the sun. His father warns him that he must stay far enough away from the sea, so his feathers don't get wet, and far enough away from the sun so the wax won't melt. Well Icarus, doesn't listen to his father and he flies too close to the sun, his wax begins to melt, and he falls into the sea, and dies. I think that is the fault of human nature, and that we can all relate to the story. There is a point in all of our lives where we are told not to get our hopes up, but we do, and we get burned badly for it. The story is really about the dangers of both being complacent and being arrogant. This weekend was my reminder that I had flown too close to the sun. The worst part of the story? It literally ends with Icarus dying in the sea. The sea is named after him, but that's not much of a happy ending. Thankfully, this is real life, and my dad didn't go make me some wax feathers, and I am not dead. That is also true of human nature, for centuries we had failed, and for centuries we have tried again. Maybe that’s what we are supposed to learn from all of this, and from Icarus. Even if we get too big for our britches, we can still have something left behind that we are remembered by. So although this year didn’t start out the best, I know that in the future I will have something to be remembered by, and someone that calls me mommy will continue my legacy.

PS: In all honesty, the birthday party on the beach was awesome, plus I have the best family in the world, so this year is off to a good and memorable start!

Behind Door Number #2

When I got married, I thought I was done with dating, figuring out what I wanted, and seeing who I clicked with. I mean, I already had found the one, the next steps are simple right? Buy a house, get a dog (or in our case 2), have a family. That's where we hit the little hiccup. Thanks to my awesome anatomy, we get to date all over again. Only this dating comes with a ton of pressure, and me being well, awkward, stressed out, and sweaty. I cannot stress enough how challenging it is to hunt for the right agency to work with when considering adoption. The sad part is, that's only the first step. There will be a lot more stress and sweaty palms in our future. This leads us to agency B.

After we met with the first agency, we knew a little more of what we wanted, we liked the idea of the agency being small, and more of a family feel. We also knew we wanted an agency that focused more on domestic. Finally, we knew we needed an agency that was more customizable, meaning, we could find a place that can handle our needs and fears as a couple. Okay, we needed an agency that could handle my high anxiety worry wort personality. With that being said, we didn't have high hopes when going to agency B. 

Agency B is a huge, well established agency. They work with over 85 couples a year, and place that many infants. They are also a far commute for us, so on a sunny Saturday, we drove the hour and a half to see the "New York Yankees" of agencies. B first noticed that they did not have cookies, I noticed they did not have coffee, since we aren't morning people, this wasn't a good start. We sat through another PowerPoint, however, they provided us a copy to take notes on (nerd win!). Although their success rate and reputation was impressive, they were very intimidating. 

Full disclosure, they really focus on birth parents. I understand that birth parents are the key to adoption, and who ever our birth mom and dad are will hold a special place in my heart forever, but what about us? I mean B and I are scared, uninformed, and confused about this whole process. When you go to an information meeting about adoption, you would think they would talk more about....well the adoptive parents. The plus of agency B is that they have an education based program, so you are well prepared when you take the baby home, but before that, we didn't feel like we could get the attention and comfort that we would need. 

B's main concern was that once you were matched with a birth mother that was it. You couldn't turn back. All adoption agencies have you fill out a preference sheet, which brings up intense discussions, and I will dedicate several posts to that. From there your profile is only shown to families who meet your preferences. In the case of agency B, if a baby was born with something not on our sheet, we would have to handle it. Other agencies allow you to pass on an infant that you don't feel you could care for. That is not to say that we wouldn't consider a child with some difficulties, in fact, we have had discussions about adoption a child with a heart problem, but there are just some things we as a couple couldn't handle, and we wouldn't want to place a baby in a home where we would struggle to provide the best for it. Some people can handle some things that I can't, and I can handle things other people can't, it's just the way of the world. 

As we drove through construction to get back home, we realized what a pain it would be to get to the agency in the winter, and had a long talk about what we thought. Agency B didn't meet what we needed for our family, but we still had two more agencies on our list. Time to see what is behind doors 3 and 4.