The Road Less Traveled

Obviously the whole surrogacy journey is a road less traveled, and every road will have it's bumps. We've hit quite a few this week, which is why this post is delayed. I needed a chance to get my emotions and thoughts together before composing this post. As I said in my last post, this week was a lot of waiting. The main thing we were waiting for was my lab results to come back. The results came back, and they were bad. Startlingly bad. Most woman have and FSH of 7-9, mine is at 19.3, and my AMH didn't change and is still at a .3. The news about wrecked me. I don't understand why my labs are coming back this way, especially given the fact I am a healthy mid twenty year old, and I have numbers you would expect to see from a forty year old, pre-menopausal woman. My estrogen is normal, which is another baffling occurrence.
My first question was, what does this mean? Thankfully, NW will let us try this once to see how it goes, although technically I am labeled as a poor responder. That means that I may not even respond to IVF drugs. To say I was crushed by the news would be an understatement. This could be our one shot at a baby, and they may not get enough high quality embryos from us to even make it work. I took my time to be sad, and had a little vent session with one of my girlfriends. Reflecting on that conversation, it helped a lot. Not only did she let me know it was ok to be sad, she didn't try to say anything to make it better. She just listened and that was all I needed. I'm so grateful I have people like her in my life.
After I got sad, I became angry. I already have a heart condition that put me in the situation, and now you are going to tell me that I might not get to be a mom this way. Why on earth should I have some more hurdles thrown in my path. After everything I've already been through, it just wasn't fair. It's not fair. The pain I experienced that day was far deeper and more intense than any pain I can describe. I hurt, deeply.
The final phase of how I process things is to make a plan. Knowing that embryos are lost between day 3 and 5 after retrieval, B and I are thinking about playing it safe and transferring embryos at day 3, which gives us more to pick from, but a lower pregnancy rate. Due to this, we are going to see if we can put in two embryos in hopes of getting one baby, and maybe we will get lucky and get two. Then I started researching all the reasons FSH can be high. I came up with my lazy ovary theory. Since my ovaries have been suppressed for so long, my body has not been able to regulate itself since going off the pill. Due to this my pituitary gland is acting on hyperdrive to try and get my body to wake up. High FSH levels indicate that ovaries are doing their job, and mine technically aren't yet. As such, my gland is trying to wake them up to get them started. So while I might have a high FSH, it could actually be lower than what it is reading right now. This comforted me, along with the knowledge the NW tends to disregard AMH levels in women under 27.
So now the plan is acupuncture. Yes, I'm talking glowing crystals, your body's energy lines, stab needles in your skin acupuncture. I had my first appointment today, it was strangely pleasant. My doctor is awesome. Her goal for me is to get my FSH down by 10 points in three months. She doesn't see why that isn't a possibility. There are tons of studies done about acupuncture and FSH/IVF. All of them show an increase in egg quality, and response to IVF drugs with three months of acupuncture prior to retrieval/STIM. We are at the two and half month mark, so we have plenty of time. This is my silver lining.
The appointment was simple and painless. First, they take all your history, and then they take you into this dark room, where they insert the needles. Today they placed the needles at all the major energy points on the body, including between your eyes, and the back of your head. I think there were about 15 needles in me. Then they hook you up to this pulser machine which makes the needles twitch to help the energy flow. After you are all set up, you don't feel the needles, and you get use to the tapping. The doctor gave me the choice to turn the light off, so I did, and then I took a nap for 30 minutes. Occasionally, I would have a muscle spasm, which is normal, since its energy being released. Otherwise, it wasn't any thing weird or dramatic. Today's appointment was a detox to help my systems open up to each other, so I have to drink a ton of water, but no other lifestyle changes. The doctor also hooked me up with some vitamins, including pre-natal ones, to help my body get back in sync. I will be taking horse pills for the next two months, and about 10 of them a day. I will see her once a week, and she feels confident she can get my FSH down to a 9 by the end of this.

Daily horse pills

Although things are tough, and we didn't get the best news this week. I am keeping my head up and staying optimistic. I am reminded, as always, that we have amazing people supporting us, that I have an amazing husband, and that there are options out there to help us. I am trying to stay positive, and remember that everything happens for a reason. I feel confident that by this time next year we will have one (or two) bundles of joy. I am thankful for the little gifts that God sends us, and for the kindness of others. In the end, even if this is a very different road that we are on, the destination is so worth it!