Ash Wednesday

I am not an overly faithful religious person, but I do believe in God, and I do believe that he speaks to us through others. I have become more attuned to his presence through this whole surrogacy experience. First, I know he lives in the heart of our surrogate, her offering to do this for us, and her thousands of acts of kindness for others reminds me of God's love in her every day. I however, have not always had a good relationship with God, and chances are that if you are reading this, and struggling with a heart defect, or infertility, or life, you feel the same. There are often times when I have felt entitled, and angry because I have a heart problem. I thought that I should never have to deal with any problems ever again. That's obviously a very skewed mindset, but it's how I approached religion for a while.

Coming from that state of mind, I didn't often go to church for Holy days. Yesterday, at lunch with my co-workers, they convinced me that I should go to Ash Wednesday service, because it couldn't hurt to spend some more time with the Big Guy. I really didn't want to go. The service was at 6:30, I had to drive twenty minutes to get there, and I really wanted to get my nails done. I realized however, that Jesus probably didn't want to be crucified, and that I was being selfish. I have never been gladder I forced myself to do something.

There is something beautiful about a church during Lent. It's empty, and rudimentary, but beautiful. It's calming and quiet, which is what I needed last night. As I was sitting, I started to look around, and thought a lot about family. I think that in today's society the word family has many meanings, but the commonality between all of them is love. I can look at members of my church welcoming back a member who just had surgery, and know that love is there. I can look at a mother and child and know that love is there. I can also look at two friends, two lovers, a teacher and his or her students, and know that love is there. Obviously, family has been on my mind a lot lately, partially because of fear, but partially because of love. B is terrified of being a dad, since babies scare him (seriously, they are 8 pounds), but there is no doubt in my mind that he will be an amazing father. Our family may be coming to us in a different way, but that doesn't make it any less of a family, and that doesn't mean that B and I don't experience all of the emotions that come with infertility, trying to conceive, or expectant parents.
After I had people watched for a long time, the mass began.

Once the sermon hit, I was on the verge of tears. My priest did an incredible job, and I knew that God was speaking to me. Her sermon was all about how we need to turn things over to God, and trust in him. Too often we choose to saddle ourselves with worry and anxiety, because we fear the unknown. She said that faith was built on trust, and while we are good at turning huge things over to God, we should try it with more mundane things. We have to trust that God knows what's best for us.

Now as a planner, over analyzer, and anxiety ridden person, that was my least favorite thing to hear. Ever. No way am I just going to say, "Hey God, you got this one?" and then move on. It's hard for me to have B plan date night. When you are scared, and worried, you want to do everything you can, because if it fails, then you have the comfort of saying, I did everything I could, and have no regrets. That's the bottom line people, I am terrified. Today they are going to go on a treasure hunt for my ovaries; I'm meeting with a genetics counselor to discuss the idea that there could be something else wrong with me. It is a time full of uncertainty and fear. Even if today goes well there are still thousands of questions hanging in the air. Questions that I don't know the answer to. B is scared too, and since I have learned how to put on a brave face, I have been, but deep in my soul, the appointments today scare the sh*t out of me.

These are the thoughts racing through my head, and I was struggling to keep the tears at bay. Thankfully the priest had us bow our heads and pray, so I could compose myself. We then prayed the following prayer, and I came completely undone. I'm talking, tears pooling in my eyes and running down my cheeks undone. For the next forty days, I am going to try and give up useless worrying, starting today. I know that God lives in the heart of my surrogate, and that he is speaking to me, and with us through this journey. As it says in the prayer "I know that you will either preserve me from the evils I dread, or turn them to my good and your glory. " I will post later today about Hide and Seek: Round 2! Fingers crossed.

Act of Abandonment to Divine Providence 

Providence of my God, I adore you in all your designs. I place my destiny in your hands, confiding to you all that I have, all that I am, and all that I am to become – my body and my soul, my health and reputation, my life, my death, and my eternal salvation. As I rely entirely upon you and expect all from your goodness, I will not give myself up to any useless anxiety. I confide to you the success of all my undertakings, and in all difficulties I will have recourse to you as a never-failing source of help. I know that you will either preserve me from the evils I dread, or turn them to my good and your glory. Peaceful and contented in all, I will allow your Providence to govern my life without worry or over eagerness. Holy, wise, generous, and loving Providence! I thank you for the tender care you have taken of me up to this moment. I humbly and earnestly entreat you to continue the same for me; direct all that I do, guide me in your ways, govern me at every moment of my life, and bring me into the fullness of being that you have destined for me from all eternity. May I please you and give you glory forever. Amen.