We're Back!!!

Hello Friends,

We are back from our temporary hiatus, with some big news, new layout, and title. In case the title didn't give it away, over the past two months, B and I have made some pretty big decisions (more on that later). This post is going to be pretty raw, and hopefully it doesn't offend anyone. As hinted in the last post (Jonah and the Whale), I did some pretty intense reflecting on our situation RE: getting a baby. Our surrogacy arrangement not working out was soul crushing, gut wrenching, heart breaking, dark clouds everyday awful. It's something I don't think we will ever get over.

I spent nights wondering "Why me?" It just doesn't seem fair, sometimes it just feels like the motto of our lives is "If we didn't have bad luck, we wouldn't have any luck at all." I'm one of those people who can tell a story, and the immediate reaction is, that would only happen to you. I guess I thought having a surrogate was finally my karmic retribution for being born with a heart problem. A way to tip the scales a little more evenly. I'll admit, I got ahead of myself, I even bought a onesie to give B the day we found out that it worked.

The fact of the matter is that it didn't. The only choice we have is to pick ourselves up and move on. In the long run, the pain we are feeling now, is probably less than we would have felt, if my crappy ovaries didn't work, or if the embryos didn't take. So in that way, it is a blessing, a terrible one, but a blessing none the less.

Then an amazing thing happened, after all the tears, and all the pain (which is still there). I realized something. I got over myself. Yes, I've had a bad hand dealt to me, and if I could change it, sometimes I think I would. Then sometimes I wouldn't. This is a beast I know, it's something I can deal with, and in the long run, it doesn't prevent me from the ultimate goal of being a mother. Blood is the smallest part of what makes a Mom. B and I are strong enough to deal with this, and our relationship can withstand this test. I am resilient, and you can never count me down for the count (cue Rocky music here) What I do know is I can't face this pain again, and I can't face the pain of a failed IVF cycle, or failed ovaries, or whatever is going on in my lady parts. Surrogacy cannot promise me a baby. Adoption can.

With that being said, B and I are pleased to announce our decision to adopt. Our reason is simple, we want a baby, and we want a way that will give us the best chance of getting one. Our wait may be longer, and we may have some moments of loss, or even failed placements. However, we know at the end of the adoption road there will be a child, who I can tell you I already love. It's funny too, how much people have validated our decision. My cardiologist told me adoption was the right choice. B's brother told me that he thought it was the best choice as well. Other people, even those who don't know all the details of our surrogacy arrangement, have acknowledged our decision in such a positive way. It affirmations like those that make me confident that we will have the support and love (just like before) to make it through this, and that this is where we are supposed to end up. It's different now though, because we know 100% at the end of this (barring any acts of God) there is a baby for us. A squishy cute little nugget, who smells awesome (you know that baby smell) that's just for us. Yes, they won't have my eyes or B's nose, but they will be ours and we will be their's, and that's all that matters. We don't know what the road will look like for us, or where it takes us from here. We just know it ends in a baby, and that's enough. We can't wait.