Fear Factor Episode 3

It’s taken me some time to figure out how to write this post, seeing as how this fear is actually based on something optimistic. What optimistic point is that? Getting a baby. This may seem contradictory from my last post, in regards to failed placement, but another one of my big fears with adoption is not being enough. One of the up and coming trends (if you can call it that) in adoption is the concept of an open adoption. This however, is usually a misnomer. Open adoption is not a thing, but rather a mindset of how open you as an adoptive parent will be with the birth parent(s) after placement. In the dark ages, adoptions were mainly closed, with records sealed off somewhere, and a child may never know about where they came from. Now, people have embraced this new idea that we need to nurture the adoptive child as a whole, and allow them information about their birth parents, provided both parties are willing and able to share that with the child in question. I understand the psychology behind this, and recognize the impact it would have on any adoptive child, but that does not mean it doesn’t scare me.

What do I mean by not being enough? What I mean is this, what if when B and I get a baby, and they feel some disconnect from us, or feel only half full because they are adopted. I don’t want my child to not know who they are as a person, because where they came from is hidden from them, but at the same time, it terrifies me to think about “sharing” my baby. We’ve all seen the T.V. specials where a child reunites with their birth parents, tears are shed, and both parties start making up for lost time.

What happens to the adoptive parents during all of this? I don’t want to be forgotten, I want to be enough for my child, where they can have a relationship with the person who gave them life, but not have that take away from our relationship as mother and child. I can’t get the images out of my head, of a birth mother being at my child’s wedding as the Mother of the Bride, or my baby spending Christmas with their other family instead of ours.

Logically, I know this is good, emotionally it scares me because what if the baby forms a bond with their birth mother and then decides they don’t need me any more, that I can’t give them any more? That my love isn’t enough? The fact that I could make it so far and have a baby to call me own, only to fail, sucks. I’m reading up on bonding, I’m learning about the idea of open adoptions, and I know that I will have control over contact, but I will not have control over my child’s free will. It’s a double edged sword, contact, because I will be able to give my child something they need to understand themselves in a deeper way, but I am putting myself out there to be hurt.  I don’t want my relationship with my child to fall to the wayside because they think the grass is greener, nor do I want to feel like I’m a second choice or second best Mom.

I know that allowing some openness in our adoption will help our child, and most adoptive parents have fears about open adoptions. Thankfully, most parents say their fears are lessened as they go through the process. Until these fears are minimized, they are very much part of the adoption process. Welcome to my new rock and hard place. Tune in next week for B's second Fear Factor Edition.